He pauses, and I am struck with a singular thought: he's not going to wait for me for long.
He is already growing in leaps and bounds and learning and talking and memorizing books and changing EVERY SINGLE DAY. He is exploring his boundaries and climbing higher and trying new things he hasn't tried before. He is not waiting for me to be ready.
I have a friend with a son who is the epitome of "active boy": he stood up and jumped up and down in his crib at six months old, and climbed out of his crib as soon as he could. He regularly scales the playscape created for kids years years older than he is and gives me heart palpitations as I watch him.
I tell my friend that I wish I could be as laid back as she is; she seems relaxed as she watches him, standing back to give him room to explore.
"I tried to rein him in, and we were both miserable," she explained. "He needs to do this, for whatever reason, and he won't wait for me to be ready. I had to take a leap of faith."
He won't wait for me to be ready.
Each step of the parenting process is a leap of faith. Am I doing this right? I think to myself every day. When my son was born, a combination of first-time mom jitters combined with an acute case of postpartum anxiety amplified every decision.
Am I nursing correctly? Is he getting enough nourishment?
Is he sleeping enough? Am I ruining him by not allowing him to cry it out?
Am I giving him enough stimulation during the day? Should I entertain him more?
As I started to relax into motherhood, I learned that no matter which path I took - within reason, of course - everything was going to turn out fine. The key is to tune into my son's personality and needs and figure out the best course of action for him. I've turned down parties and play dates when he's overwhelmed, and tried to make plans my husband and I believe will work best for him.
As he grows, he is making his voice heard more and more. He can tell us how he feels and what he wants, and that transformation is exhilarating and fast-paced. I have seen him make amazing progress in the last year, especially in swim class. A year ago at his first class without me, he cried and refused to get in the water. Now, he is happily swimming under water and grinning from ear to ear. Encouraging him, little by little, to let go was difficult, at times. Now he is jumping in without hesitation.
Recently, I enrolled my son in a mother's day out program at a preschool just down the road starting in September. I looked at a couple of preschools in the area, and I am happy that he was offered a slot in the program at the one I think best suits him. It's a small school, with plenty of transition time encouraged and an in-home visit from the teacher before school. I couldn't ask for more than that. And still, I was teary at my visit a couple of weeks ago as I thought of this new milestone.
I am, I think, secretly relieved that he is not comfortable with strangers, and I know he has inherited his reserved nature from his father, just as surely as my not-so-reserved personality comes honestly to me from my mother. Am I holding him back or am I letting him set the pace? I question myself.
Soon, it will be time for him to fly and stretch. It may be a little uncomfortable for all of us, but maybe he'll surprise us. Perhaps he'll take to preschool like a champ and dive right in as he now does in swim class. He won't wait for me to be ready... he's growing up.
And I'll be right here, right behind him. He might even pause and let me walk beside him sometimes, and I'll offer my hand and hope he takes it when he needs me.
Love,
So very sweet and sad and wonderful. Yes, they have to set the pace, and I believe it's much harder for me to go through the milestones than it is for them.
ReplyDeleteI remember some nerves around new things as a kid (I was shy), but in general I didn't give things the weight of a milestone. I just did them. And I try to remember that with my boys, but sometimes it's SO hard!
I was the kid who walked into nursery school and never looked back. My sister, on the other hand, hid under my mom's sweater. My son is more like my sister. :)
DeleteSo true! Some days I want them to stay little forever. But then as they grow and get to the next stage it is even more fun! Hang in there and try to love every moment AND love what's to come.
ReplyDeleteI do love so many moments! For every age, I want to stop time. This one really is so much fun.
DeleteI'll never forget the time my son turned around while walking into the living room and said, "Bye Mom, you're on your own. I'm going to play." He was not quite three. *sigh*
ReplyDeleteOh, my heart. My son will say, "Mom, you go over there." And I am proud of his independence just as I mourn his dependence.
DeleteA beautiful post. Thank you for sharing your heart with us.
ReplyDeleteMy oldest starting preschool was really hard for me. She had been home 24/7 with me for four years, and at the time, I thought it would she would be the only child I would be able to share those precious early years with. While she is/has been very attached to me and reserved in social situations, preschool allowed her to blossom in ways I could have never imagined.
I know you're right about that, Rebekah! School will allow him to learn and stretch and grow in ways I can't provide.
Delete"As I started to relax into motherhood, I learned that no matter which path I took - within reason, of course - everything was going to turn out fine." YES, I totally had this light bulb moment. I feel really clueless at times and like I'm fumbling in the dark, but I think that most of us are, we will make mistakes, we'll get impatient, and that's ok as long as we learn from them.
ReplyDeleteIt takes us all so long to accept ourselves and our decisions, doesn't it?
DeleteThis is a great reminder as the days sometimes are rough, we get caught up in the frustrations of the moments and don't let my little guy be who he is and learn in his best way. I loved how you talked about appreciating your children for who they are and where they are at.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Kimber! I appreciate that you read through my blog and liked this post especially. Looking forward to reading more from you and Ashley.
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